Even His Car Has a Nickname

I feel sort of bad that I haven't talked more about Li'l Dill Wonderboy, even though we've been hanging out quite a bit recently. However, I'm sure Li'l Dill is more than happy not to see his name pop up more often; quoth Li'l Dill, "I'm fine being The Grey Man."* His desire to blend into the background isn't too surprising, since he has demonstrated an astounding propensity for relating the most embarrassing stories about himself in front of the whole group, which then results in even more fodder for nicknames and the like. Why, just in the past week he's earned three more nicks, although PigPen seemed determined to affix him with yet another while we played volleyball on Sunday night, mistakenly calling him by Shack-Fu's real name at least three times over the course of the evening.

Some brief background on the origins of his many nicknames:

• Li'l Dill: taken from the fact that he once was runner up for the Li'l Dill Pickle contest when he was but a lad, a fact he mistakenly revealed less than 10 minutes into his first time in our class
• Wonderboy: taken from his college mascot, and not the Michael Chabon novel, nor Tenacious D song
• Pickle Boy: variation on the Li'l Dill theme, favored by The Anti-Cap'n
• Whippersnapper: derived from his deceptively young features, which have caused many to think that he was a visitor from the youth or college departments
• Lazy Bum: a month ago he missed church because he overslept; I called him up to call him a lazy bum, only to find out that he had already left me a voicemail calling himself a lazy bum; such synchronicity cannot be ignored.
• Dirty Hippie: as a fellow with longish hair working among many military men, this one seemed like a natural fit
• Blinky: so dubbed by his co-workers for the Bluetooth earpiece he wears there and its constantly blinking light; incidentally, when he doesn't have the Bluetooth on, he never notices his phone ringing because it's set to vibrate -- or, at least that's the excuse he uses when he doesn't want to answer my call . . .
• Dino: the Breakdancing Intern made a comment that Li'l Dill looked like the singer Dino, but we like to pretend that he was referring to everyone's favorite cartoon dinosaur dog thingy
• Hypo: as in "hypochondriac," earned after his demonstrable paranoia upon discovering that Squiggly might have exposed us to a stomach virus
• The Grey Man: actually gave this one to himself, in hopes of avoiding attention; not working so well, eh?
• Nickname Magnet: by this point, this name should be self-explanatory, no?

Anyway, to make up my blogging neglect to Li'l Dill, I figured I'd provide him with The Top Ten Excuses To Get Out of Playing Paintball, each custom fit for a different nickname!

1. I'm a lover, not a fighter (Dirty Hippie)
2. My campaign for Li'l Dill Pickle was run on a platform of non-violence, and I don't want them to take away my Gherkin Crown. (Li'l Dill)
3. I would have made it out, but I didn't notice my phone ringing. (Blinky)
4. Mommy says I'm too young to play with guns (Whippersnapper)
5. Sorry, I slept in. (Lazy Bum)
6. It's cold and damp, I could catch my death! (Hypo)
7. I don't think it's fair to the others, since they can't shoot mind-bullets (Wonderboy)
8. Oh, I was out there; you just didn't see me. (The Grey Man)
9. Like I'm going to give you guys an excuse to come up with another nickname for me. (Nickname Magnet)
10. Yip-yip-yip-yip! ** (Dino)

There, that should keep him out of the way of flying paint for a while. And, if Shack-Fu doesn't buy any of those, Li'l Dill can just hop in The Night Roller and speed away.


*Sounds like Li'l Dill wishes he could pull a Peter Petrelli and steal my Cap'n Cellophane powers
**Translation: "Sorry, but that Cookies scares me to death"