The PigPen Paradigm

Recently, the ranks of regular racquetballers have increased, with Trouble and The Anti-Cap'n joining in on the fun. So far my win-loss ratio against the newcomers has been good, which has been a pleasant surprise; should have known that the pleasant surprise was just a precursor to less pleasant things. And by "less pleasant things" I mean, of coure, PigPen.

We'll let one example stand for the rest: a few days ago, PigPen started berating me for "beating up on" Trouble after he found out that I had won all three games against her earlier. Now, I briefly considered pointing out the hypocrisy of PigPen getting down on anyone for winning too much, but then I remembered that trying to use real-world logic with PigPen in those situations (i.e. torementing me) is often akin to banging one's head against a brick wall . . . covered in six-inch spikes . . . which have been dipped in rubbing alcohol . . . and set on fire . . . but I digress. So, I just endured his tirade until the siren call of his recently acquired Tecmo Super Bowl was more powerful than his desire to annoy me.

Now, after much thought, I believe I've discovered the root cause of PigPen's attitude. You see, from PigPen's point of view, it is only right and just that he defeat everyone on the racquetball court, for he is PigPen the Mighty, master of all he surveys. However, for someone the likes of myself to win more than once every 30 games is obviously an abomination and against the natural order of things -- quite possibly even a threat to the very fabric of reality itself. Therefore, whenever I'm playing Trouble or The Anti-Cap'n, and PigPen is sitting up above, constantly mocking me, booing me, and reassuring my opponent that every time I score a point it's only because of luck and not skill, all he's doing is trying to save them from the mental anguish of losing to the likes of me (obviously a fate worse than death) and, quite possibly, keep the universe from unravelling around us -- and not just being an [expletive deleted].