Thursday, September 29, 2005

Kneel! Kneel before the Spawn of Flunky!

I am not a fan of babies.

Don't get me wrong, they're nice and all for what they are, I suppose, and kind of necessary for the whole "continuation of the species" thing, but I've never been one to go all goo-goo-ga-ga over every baby to cross my path. Nor am I inclined to join in with the effusive cries "Oh, isn't he/she so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!” that greet the first sighting of every baby alive; mainly because, 9 times out of 10, I don't really see it. And even when that 1 out of 10 pops up, I might think to myself "Yup, that there's a cute one all right" and then move on to more pressing concerns, like memorizing the 17 Houses of Dragaera from the Taltos novels, or trying to figure out what the heck was up with Digger being the bad guy on the last episode of John Doe. Y’know, important stuff like that. Never have I felt even the tiniest urge to gush over the inherent cuteness of a child.

Until, that is, I first saw the Spawn of Flunky.

That child is cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!

Wait, let me rephrase, that’s a bit of an understatement: That child is unbelievably cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!

And no, the "unbelievable" part isn't a dig at how it shouldn't be possible for something so adorable to come from something so, so . . . Flunky. Instead, the unbelievable part is that no child should be that cute. The Spawn of Flunky is exceedingly, nay, overpoweringly cute. Why, one might be tempted to say he's almost inhumanly cute.

That's when it hit me, a thought more frightening than the possibility of being trapped in a broken elevator with Courtney Love, Dennis Rodman, Gilbert Gottfried, and that annoying lady from The View (take your pick) for an extended period of time.

The clues have been there all along: Flunky's military training; his obsession with strategy games like Axis and Allies and Warcraft; his reputation as a "puppet-master" during those games; recent attempts to secure control of a coal mine, a potential source of fuel; the list goes on and on, and they all point to only one logical conclusion. Yes, my loyal blog monkeys, it seems obvious to me that The Spawn of Flunky is nothing more than a tool in Flunky's plot to try to take over the world! *cue Pinky and the Brain music*

It's a fiendishly clever plot, really. I know, I know, I’m as surprised as you are at Flunky being fiendishly clever. Who knew? Anyway, the plot: by using the power of his Spawn's overpoweringly hypnotic cuteness, Flunky will be able to force even the most intractable world leaders to bow down before him. Those that are able to resist will then be held down by Flunky’s cuteness-enthralled drones and forced to eat Mexican candy. *shudder*

How was Flunky able to harness so much cuteness in human form? Your guess is as good as mine. Science, sorcery, or some unholy mixture of the two? It matters not. All that matters is that we are aware that the danger exists.

I almost posted some pictures of the Spawn so you could see the proof for yourselves, but luckily I realized in time that I was operating under a cuteness-induced haze; posting a picture online is exactly what Flunky wants. Why, even a mere photograph of the child has enough cuteness stored in it to take out a whole battalion of battle-hardened soldiers. If it were to accidentally be allowed to sap the will of the mighty legion of blog monkeys, the end would be nigh.

So, no, I shall not be posting a picture of the child, lest you all fall under his hypnotic sway. Well, that and the fact that I don't have Flunky's permission to do so.

Which is too bad, really, because, you have GOT to see this kid, he's so darn cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!


Zinger said...

I think you've reached a milestone - your blog will probably be the only hit on a search for "Digger" and "John Doe".

Cap'n Neurotic said...

I thought you'd appreciate that.

And it will be a proud day when I check my referrel URLs and see that someone got here through a search for "Digger" and "John Doe" . . . almost as pround as when I saw that someone got here by searching "Neil Patrick Harris half-asian."

Flunky lover said...

Thank you for your kind words although I notice that none were in my behalf. (Couldn't some of my genes be in Flunky's Spawn? Just a thought.) It's better not to have a picture becuase it would probably be a let-down to a lot of people. They would look at it and say "yeah he's cute but he's not THAT cute - let's go check out Todd's comic review"

Cap'n Neurotic said...

Oh, dear Flunky-lover, if only people would look at my blog and say "let's go and check out Todd's comic review."

Initial drafts did make mention of your contribution to the Spawn, including my belief that not even your superior genes could overcome the Flunky influence to create something that cute, and then insinuating that you were the secret power behind the throne.

However, I then decided that if I tipped my hand in acknowleding you as the true source of this insidious plot, my life would be forfeit. Better to let you think that you fooled me into thinking Flunky was capable of this on his own (as if!), so that I could live to fight another day.

Viva la resistance!

Zinger said...

I've seen Flunky's Spawn. He's cute, but he's not THAT cute. I'm going to go check out Todd's comic review now.

Cap'n Neurotic said...

I should have known, if anyone could resist the power of The Spawn of Flunky, it would be Zinger, the man with a heart of stone. I have it on good authority that he also regularly kicks puppies, clubs baby seals, and steals candy and milk money from impovrished orphan.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Zinger Stoneheart, our last, best line of defense against the threat of Clan Flunky!

Cap'n Cluck said...

sings *They're Pinky and the Brain, Pinky and the Brain, one is a genuious, the other is insane. They're labratory mice, their genes have been spliced. They're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.*

Cap'n Neurotic said...

Thank you! Been waiting days for someone to sing the P&tB theme song!