Friday, January 06, 2006

Rules of Engagement

I decided I might as well post my long and rambling T.A.G. instructions in the feeble chance that they might actually amuse someone other than myself. I know it's a long-shot, but I'm willing to take that chance


To most people, ILS stands for Inter-Library Services. We, of course, know better. As employees of the International League of Super-assassins, we have pledged our lives to being the best there is at what we do...namely, knocking people off. However, while the head office is proud to have such a highly competent group of blood thirsty killers working for them, there comes a time in all evil organizations when the concept of downsizing has to come into play. In an attempt to be fair to our employees, as well as to insure that we only downsize the weak links in our chain (thinning out the herd, as Mr. Kelly would have it) we have decided to hold a contest. Each one of our highly talented, and vicious, assassins will be assigned a special target---another assassin. HQ will monitor the progress of this contest closely, with their top administrative aide Todd Enoch (Code Name: Black Bolt) overseeing the spectacle of doom. The basics of the contest are simple. Keep killing till you can’t kill no more. However, knowing how overzealous some of our agents can be (yes, we’re talking to you, Ms. Fenton), we have taken the precaution of outlining some restrictions to the contest, to make it more entertaining for those of us watching from above, as it were. So, read on if you dare, and prepare to enter the ILS CIRCLE OF DEATH!


The contest is set up in a circular pattern, with the targets assigned randomly to each assassin, regardless of affiliation outside of the contests. Remember, trust no one, not even your roommate. The circle operates like this. Person A is assigned Person B, Person B is assigned Person C, and so on until we reach Person Z, who is, of course, assigned Person A. When Person A slays Person B, Person A acquires Person C as a new target. Simple enough, right? You wish.


1) Death must be caused by a hand held weapon of some sort, whether it be knife, gun, or battle-axe, it really doesn’t matter. However, no makeshift weapons. No matter how cool it might seem to be able to fashion a deadly object out of a rolled up newspaper and some gum, this isn’t a tryout for a MacGyver revival. Also, no booby traps, or attempted poisonings. We want some good, old fashioned violence done here, people, so make us proud.

2) You may only attack your assigned target. Any attempts on someone who is not your target will not only blow your cover (very bad for an assassin’s professional image), it will also result in serious repercussions. However, if your initial attack fails, your target is now free to hunt you. If, as a target, you are able to turn the tables on the assassin, you must immediately inform the Circle of Death Overseer, Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Darkseid), so he may advise your assassin’s assassin that he (or she, to be PC) is now your assassin. Any attempts to delay this report in order to buy yourself some time will result in grave penalties. Plus, don’t be too sure that dead men (yes, and women) can’t tell tales.

3) While dead people might be able to tell tales, they really shouldn’t. Anyone slain in this contest who is subsequently found speaking about the circumstances of his or her death will be regarded as one of the Undead, and will be immediately staked, beheaded, and buried at a crossroads, probably at the corner of University and Duck, just for the fun of it. That clear?

4) After you have iced your target, you will immediately be eligible to hunt down their target like a dog. In order to promote the smooth flow of information, which is the hallmark of ILS, you should inform Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Blackheart) of your success within a reasonable amount of time.

5) In keeping with the wonderful world of bureaucracy we have all come to know and love here in ILS, the Circle of Death shall be judged on a numerical basis. Every target you eliminate will be worth one point. If you are able to turn the tables on your assassin, you will be awarded two points. The last person standing will receive a bonus “glad to see you’re still kicking it” 3 points. No points will be deducted for dying, since we feel that deducting your life is harsh enough.

6) In case of a messy, double kill, or possible mis-reported death, Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Music Man) will be called in to make a ruling. His ruling is not necessarily final. If, for some obscure reason which we can’t possibly begin to conceive, you mistakenly think Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Electric Toad) has made an error in judgment, you can ask for an appeal. Your case will be stated in front of a tribunal of randomly chosen surviving contestants. If there are not enough survivors to form a tribunal, we shall randomly select members from a group which closely resembles deceased players, but which couldn’t possibly be the deceased players, since they are, after all, deceased. The decision of this tribunal, once it is finally formed, is final. Of course, since Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Anarky) couldn’t possibly make a faulty decision, this last part is entirely moot, right?

7) To paraphrase a tastelessly worded philosophy, “Here in ILS we don’t pee in our own pool.” In other words, the Library is off limits, 24-7. Any attempted assassinations in Edmon Low proper will result in activation of the remote controlled poison capsules we implanted in your brains when you first started here. You are under the protection of Big Brother for fifteen minutes before your work shift and ten minutes following your shift, to allow for safe passage to and from work. We want you to have to sweat a little to get your target, after all. Other than that, there are no common safe zones. If, for some reason, you wish to socialize with your potential murderers, you may form a peace pact with them. However, do not expect them to follow it. Only pacts signed in front of Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Big Head) can be even partially enforceable, and then only if he feels like it.

8) Outside of peace pacts, there is to be no conspiring with other assassins in order to lure in targets. Not only is it stupid (how do you know they’re not YOUR assassin?), it’s just not nice. And you know, when you think assassins, you think “What a bunch of nice guys and gals.” Along the same lines, there is to be no pumping of dead players for information. If you are caught interrogating a dead player, it will be assumed you are a necromancer, and you will be burned at the stake.

9) While other players are off limits, outsiders are prime sources of information and/or subterfuge. The only stipulation is that the outsider is not allowed to physically detain or attack your target. They can tattle, they can distract, they can sing the entire score of The Ring of the Nieblung for all we care, but if they attempt to make any sort of overt action towards your target, you will be “removed” from the playing field. I think we all know what that means.

10) The contests will last for three weeks. That should be more than enough time for all of you Machiavellian masters of murder to mutilate your many targets. If not, well tough, the games over anyway. Points will be added up at this time to determine the winner. If there is more than one survivor, no bonus points will be given. What, you may ask, if the person with the most points is dead? Well, while we hate to encourage such non-productive activities as dying, we do need to recognize the fact that the deceased did manage to score more points than the living. In this case, we’ll just take a tissue sample down to the Copy Center and whip us up a Super-assassin Circle of Death Champion clone. Regardless, the person with the most points will receive the grand prize, consisting of money taken from all of his or her vanquished foes. Ah, how sweet it is.

The game will start on Monday, October 19th at High Noon. The list of targets will be available 24 hours prior to that. Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Puppet Master) will be available at work on the 18th from 1 to 9 to provide you with target information. While Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Dewey Decimator) will be available to answer your question at almost any time, please keep in mind that a sleep deprived Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Network) is not necessarily a happy Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Grumpy).



555-4352(Home, leave a message if you can without jeopardizing your cover)
555-5411(Work, trust no one but Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Chronos), and even then be leery. Some of your co-workers may be masters of disguising their voices.)
555-3795(Mr. Enoch (Code Name: Ambush Bug)’s Friday Night Poker Game. Call here and make him look important in front of his non-assassin friends.)