All Played Out

I’ve been thinking about doing more music-centered posts recently, like a “Top 10 All Time Favorite Songs” sort of thing, but that’s a much harder list to compile than you might think, especially with all of the rules and limits I feel compelled to impose (only one song per artist, must be over X years old, subdivide by genre or not?); however, while these thoughts have been on my mind, last night’s episode of My Name is Earl served to push my mind in a totally different direction.

Top 10 Songs I Could Happily Never Hear Again In My Life

1.“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor: Well-worn staple of karaoke bars throughout the world, this is one overdone song that needs to crawl into the grave with disco so the rest of us can rest in peace. I know this one would normally get me in trouble with Cap’n Disaster; luckily, she’s so busy with wedding plans that I can probably get away with it for now . . . man, I hope this isn’t on the mix CD they play at the reception . . . my one caveat on this one is that I still enjoy the version by Cake.

2.“YMCA” by The Village People: Here we have the ultimate instigator of mindless group dancing, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing; still, one can only spell out four letters with your arms so many times before mind-numbing ennui settles in.

3.“Blame it on the Rain” by Milli Vanilli: I never liked this song at all, and its popularity and near-constant airplay quickly transformed my dislike into hatred; I can clearly remember a moment when it came on the radio, prompting me to switch to my next preset station, which also happened to be playing it, as was the next. It was at that moment that I knew the song was out to get me, and I most remain ever vigilant, as a hawk, to preserve my own sanity. As you can tell, I’ve done an excellent job of that so far . . .

4.“My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion: Much like #4, my initial dislike of this song was magnified by its ubiquitous nature during the height of Titanic’s popularity which, unfortunately, seemed to last forever

5.“Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve: I cannot adequately quantify exactly what it is about this song that elicits such strong feelings of loathing in me; all I can say with any certainty is that it does.

6.“Piece of My Heart” by Faith Hill: Janis Joplin’s version? Heavy contender for my All Time Top 10. This version? Heavy contender for “Song Most Likely to Drive Me to Suicide, or at the Least, Self-Inflicted Bodily Mutilation Involving the Ears.” Seriously, what were they thinking? Worst. Cover. Ever.

7.“Paul Revere/Brass Monkey” by The Beastie Boys: Honestly, at this point in time the two songs are interchangeable in my head; there was a period of time when I couldn’t turn on the Edge while driving without hearing one or the other. Now, maybe it’s just me, but when I turn on the “new rock” station, I expect to hear something that, at the very least, came out after I graduated High School. Frustration over Edge D.J.’s obsession + general dislike of most pre-“Sure Shot” Beastie Boys tracks = pathological distaste for either of these two songs.

8.“I Believe I Can Fly“ by R. Kelley: Yet another case of “I didn’t like this before they overplayed the heck out of it” Good thing he was able to redeem himself with “Trapped in the Closet,” huh? I mean, before that, my only musical association with R. was the saccharine piece of treacle that was “I Believe,” but now I can rest easy, remembering his nonsensical opera filled with gun play, old women wielding spatulas, and narcoleptic incontinent midgets. Oh, how far you’ve come, Mr. Kelly, how far you’ve come.

9.“You’re an All-Star” by Smashmouth: Now, you know, I actually used to like this song when I first heard it, really I did; you know, back before it made it onto the Mystery Men soundtrack . . . and the Rat Race soundtrack . . . and the Shrek soundtrack . . . and countless TV commercials . . .

And, last but not least, the song that got this whole list started.

10.“Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas/Wang Chung/anyone at all: One of the ultimate clichés of modern pop culture: if there’s a comedy featuring a martial arts fight, 9 times out of 10 it will be performed over this horribly over-played song. Face it, folks, that gag stopped being fresh and clever over a decade ago. I think I reached my final straw with this particular song with the butchered English version of Shaolin Soccer, which replaced several different songs in the original soundtrack with this particular song. So, so needless.

DISHONORABLE MENTION: Anything by P. Diddy/Puff Daddy/Diddy/Whatever: Honestly, the only song of his I can even remotely tolerate is “All About the Benjamins,” and that probably has as much to do with the fact that I associate it with Weird Al’s “All About the Pentiums” as anything else. Please, I beg of you, stop doing anyting at all which might encourage Diddy to continue to produce his own music. For my sake, as well as the sake of the children. Please, think of children!

And don't even get me started on Sugar Ray, Sublime, or Neil Diamond . . .