Monday, October 24, 2005

Remember, You Asked For It: "Very Bad Things" by Dr. G'ovich

Well, I had planned on giving Dr. G'ovich a week to come up with his post, but he churned it out in record time, and it's just too too G'ovich to keep to myself for a whole week, so you're getting it early.

Here's a fun trivia question: Which of the horrible deeds ennumareted below is the only thing I have ever heard the Doctor express regret for?

Prepare to read the most Eeeeeeeeeeeevil post to ever appear here at CoIM


Before I get started, I’d like to take a moment to make sure everyone knows that I kicked Bubble Gum Tate’s butt in that last poll. BGT, even with active lobbying for more votes, you just can’t hang.

Now then, looking at the new Poll, “Dr. G’ovich: Friend or Foe?” I can see that some of you are sorely misinformed. I mean really, voting for me as a victim? Or a scapegoat? Seriously now, you guys are waaaaaay off base. I suspect that if the poll went up later in the “Secret Origins” series, the voting would be a bit different.

I can’t settle for victim or part-time manipulator or even antagonist. Nay. Ego demands that I become a verified Villain in this saga. To that end, I have drafted a rough character profile highlighting some of my better moments. The list is a combination of personality quirks, personal highlights, and any other qualifying deeds. Someone else can sort and order it if they choose. It sounds like work, so I’ll pass.

There’s a lot more that could be added to the list, but I’m not willing to put it all in print, where it can be traced back to me.

Profile of Dr G’ovich:

History: Nomadic childhood, shifting from town to town almost seasonally. Twelve homes in first eighteen years. Always sought the younger, troubled children as friends; . did not have to look far, growing up in the rougher parts of various towns. As troublemaker and instigator, always appeared to be the ‘good one’ compared to the company he kept. Honed skills through teen years, creating alternate identities and learning to dupe the gullible.

- I taught a two-year-old to cuss.
- I smoked in a barn as a kid hiding our cigs and lighter in the hay bails.
- I stole from my friends.
- I stole from my enemies.
- I stole from my neighbors.
- I cheated in school and was publicly rewarded for it.
- I yelled at a handicapped man to take the stairs instead of interrupting my 2 floor elevator ride.
- I hit Coronela hard enough to give her a golf-ball sized lump on her forehead.
- I despised my dorm neighbors and did my best to make them outcasts.
- I’m a loud, belligerent drunk who says mean things about people in the room.
- I cheated at poker. For money.
- I betrayed dozens of people in an online game. Some of whom won’t speak to me, to this day. It took months to achieve.
- I absolutely LOVE referring people to
- I sent the Jehovah’s Witnesses to talk to Cap’n Neurotic.
- I went to church primarily to meet girls.
- I often went drinking afterwards.
- I broke a large, public window during a proclamation of Blasphemy.
- I then responsibly ran off and played basketball afterwards.
- I maybe broke a girl’s leg at a dance.
- I broke my first girlfriend’s arm.
- I’ve stalked Limos with a jar of Grey Poupon
- I watched my buddy get beat down by four thugs and then said “hey” to them on the way back to their getaway car.
- I disabled the dorm elevators the day people were moving in.
- I created an intricate framework of codewords that could be used in public to ditch said public and meet group members again privately. It worked beautifully.
- I have a zest for corrupting the innocent with booze and gambling.
- I can be very polite and am adored by mothers everywhere.
- I fart in public.
- I am tattooed and pierced, each at least once done to myself.
- I criticize people who volunteer to do good deeds.
- I am VERY self-centered. If I’m not involved, I’m not interested.
- I am Jaded.
- I use two separate personal histories, depending on which is more beneficial at the time.
- I LOVE to create fake histories to impress or scare the impressionable (or easily frightened).
- I’ve been known to give gifts with hidden, malicious intent.
- I started skipping school in grade school
- I probably didn’t pay a utility bill throughout college.
- I talked my own grandmother into buying me “Satan music”.
- I have a gift for pointing people to their own personal vices.
- I have a gift for identifying, substantiating, and feeding insecurities.
- I willingly allowed a man to nearly break his back auditioning for our fake breakdancing team.
- I own a pipe. Every good villain should have a pipe. It shows personality.
- I helped underage kids make fake drivers licenses.
- I frequently give fake directions to tourists.
- I tend to gloat a bit (right Tate?)
- I use all the hot water.
- I locked my brother into a small cedar chest and left the house.
- I made my siblings eat their cereal with toothpaste in it because they had stinky breath.
- I learned to curse from a sailor
- I have encouraged hood-surfing of vehicles at 60+ mph
- I know I can use the anonymous and “other” options along side a proxy server, to leave any comment, from any person, onto this blog.
- My grandmother once walked in on me with half a bottle of booze and two half naked girls in a tent.
- I shake babies violently.

I should also point out that I’m big on not doing work that someone else can do for you. Coincidentally, I feel most strongly this way towards librarians. Why spend the time and effort looking up books, or navigating the reference sections, when they are right there to do it for you? If HigglyTown Heroes has taught me anything, (and it hasn’t really. I already know most of that stuff) it’s that librarians LOVE to help.

In an irony, Cap’n Neurotic seems to be an extrovert, where I am very much an introvert with select extroverted tendencies. If Cap’n Neurotic is the hero, I could be that same person, but who has succumbed to all of the temptations along the way. Dr G is totally the Dark Half of the hero in this saga. The same in every other regard, but with that evil in his spirit, that changes everything. Would Cap’n Neurotic push his best buddy into a raving lunatic just looking for a reason to hurt someone? I did. You know why? I could get away with it. He didn’t see that it was ME pushing him in the crowd.

So the reply box is open. I’m sure those of you who know me have other evil stories to share. Cap’n Neurotic, without a doubt, has several I’m not even aware of (memory is not one of my strengths).

Remember, Vote for Me, the Evil Dr. G!


Cap'n Neurotic said...

While I'll hold most of my listing of G'ovich's many, many, MANY evil deeds for actual blog posts, I did want to take issue with one of his statements. Personally, I haven't found him to be a belligerent drunk: in fact, it was usually only during his inebriated moments that he would actually apologize for crap he had pulled when he was sober. Plus, issuing that statment makes it seem like he's not loud, belligerent, and mean to people in the same room the rest of the time.

Bubblegum Tate said...

Obviously the number one most evil deed I know of is flaunting his win in my face. In the words of Bender, this is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me.