Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Yesterday, All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away

It's not been a good day.

Yesterday? Yesterday was a good day. Yesterday was a fun day. Yesterday many things converged to put me in one of the best moods I've been in for quite a long time. Yesterday, I was an extremely happy camper.

Today? Today I was still floating high on my good-day-buzz when BAM! BAM! BAM! One thing after another, both personal and professional, slapped me in the face, knocking me off my cloud. Taken separately, nothing that earth-shattering in the grand scheme of things: nothing unrepareable, nothing unrecoverable, nothing unforgivable; really, nothing that rates the foul mood I'm in. And yet, coming at me one after another so close together, the blows managed to knock me for quite a loop; I guess the higher you’re floating, the further you fall when the cloud gets knocked out from under you.

Wondering what all this is about?

Well, keep wondering. Too soon, too raw, too close; maybe when there's more time and distance. Contrary to popular belief, I don't like to go into great, painful detail about the things that plague my sleep, that consume my days, that drive me to distraction; all of the past grudges, bitterness, and issues related in the Secret Origins are just that: past. Trust me, if I still had an irrational dislike of The Eskimo, I never would have been brought it up in the first place; if G’ovich and I were still unable to successfully exchange more than 3 words at a time, I’d have used even fewer to discuss it here; if I really harbored a grudge against Flunky for any of his Flunkiness, you’d have heard about it about as often as he returns emails; I resist the idea of unleashing all of my current issues on the general public if I haven’t dealt with them on a more personal level first. Not saying it won’t ever happen, but it probably won’t happen often.

So, why write anything about it at all if I'm not going to talk about it in depth? Because, by the time you read this, everything will be fine again; just the act of writing this out has helped drain my tension away, has helped put things in their proper perspective, has helped me to realize which things I'm blowing out of proportion and which are real problems; the act of writing is cathartic and healing and instructive; the act of writing is my coping mechanism. I suppose my comment in a previous post might have clouded the issue a little:

The whole Secret Origins thing is proving to be a positive experience for me, but it’s also served to stir up a lot of stuff I’ve tried not to think about for a while. Remembering how things were during The Golden Year, how messed up they were afterwards, and how much of it could have been so easily prevented: it’s tough. I’m overwhelmed by nostalgia and melancholy; I have a feeling that going through all of this has been a big contributor to my recent insomnia.
I'm guessing my saying things about "stirring up stuff" and "overwhelmed by melancholy" and "doing this has given me brain-imploding insomnia" could make it sound like these old feelings are right there at the surface again; or as G'ovich put it: "Part of the problem is everyone's read you mope and complain for two weeks and they don't all realize that it's just rehashing bad times and sweeping it under the rug, versus just boiling it back to the top." Or, to paraphrase my favorite G'ovichism: people seem to have a hard time separating CoIM from reality.

Interestingly enough, the ones who seem to have the most trouble making the separation are the ones who have been most directly referenced in the aforementioned posts; both co-workers and Book Monkeys have assured me that they see the posts for what I intended them to be: a way to air out all of the moldy baggage that’s been dragging me down for the last 30 years. But, unlike co-workers and Book Monkeys, most of the Parkerites had to live through the days of Cap’n Psycho, Cap’n Clingy, Cap’n Overreaction; is it any wonder when reading my comment that an action of theirs once caused me to crumple in despair or explode into a rage, that they might wonder just how far removed from the past I really am? From my point of view, it’s crystal clear; from their point of view, it’s muddy as all get-out.

In many ways this blog has taken on a life of its own; when I started it, I never had any idea that I’d be addressing ¾ of what I have so far; if you had told me a month ago that I would not only reference the Letters to G’ovich, but directly quote them as well, I’d have called you a loony. But as I began to reflect on those early days, began to see all of the ways I’d stumbled over the years, the urge to explore it overpowered me; as much as I've changed, as much as that isn't who I am anymore, the memories of those uncertain years, and the way I acted, have been lodged in my mind. Dr. G’ovich refuses to defend or explain away any of his behavior from that time, saying that he was young, that he was trying to find his way in life, that he refuses to beat himself up for doing things then that he would do differently now, and you know what: I understand that, I accept that, I even respect that; I just can’t follow suit.

I feel compelled to, if not justify myself, at least explain myself; you may not really care why I was the way I was, but it’s important to me that you know; it’s important to me that I cop to the fact that I was as much a part of the problem as anyone else, that I don’t view anyone (even the Eeeeeeeeevil one) as a total villain; it’s important that I explore why I drifted away from my best friends so that maybe I can finally understand it myself; it’s important to me that I publicly expose all of the dark creatures running around in my head to the light, to burn them away for good; it’s important that I stress just how much these people still mean to me, no matter what’s happened between us.

Yes, G’ovich has pissed me off countless times in the past; so have Flunky and Wrath and Coronela and practically every other Parkerite at some point; but you know what? I’m pretty sure each of them can say exactly the same about me. And, I’m sure they will continue to find ways to hack me off, and vice versa; heck, I just pissed one of them off yesterday and didn’t find out about it till today (yes, that was one of the BAMS!); as I stress constantly in my Sunday School lessons, we’re none of us perfect; we all have flaws, we all have faults, we all have things that hold us back in our lives, we all do things that affect others negatively; its being aware of these flaws, striving to overcome them, attempting to right the wrongs we’ve done, and, perhaps most difficult of all, struggling to forgive others who are trying to do the same; these are the signs of growth as a person.

Everyone has their own method of doing this; what works for one might not work for others; for me, this blog has become part of my method; writing is my way of trying to say all I want to say to the people I care about; trying to communicate to others that the bad times have passed, that I’ve let go of the past, that I’m hoping they can do the same. Much like with the Letters I once wrote in a time of stress and uncertainty, with each blog post that peels back a layer of my regrettable actions, I feel a weight being lifted; with each step through my tumultuous years, I feel like I can finally start to let it all go. I know it won’t be that easy; I may be a quick study when it comes to academics, but in the realm of learning from my mistakes and modifying my behavior, my learning curve is waaaaaay too steep.

Once again, this post took off in directions I did not quite expect; I hope it clarified things for some, and illuminated more for others; I know I feel better after writing it.